Draft Diary I: Here Goes Nothing
Welcome to NFL Draft Diary I. Inspired by Bill Simmons, I
will recap the events of NFL Draft Night through the eyes of an obsessed Giants
fan. All my opinions are completely biased, so if you’re here in search of
positive reinforcement on the Eagle’s new spread offense, tune into ESPN News,
Sal Paolantonio has yet to leave the Eagles practice facilities. In other news,
this is the fourth year the NFL will be airing the draft primetime, on a
Thursday night. Out of all the things wrong with the NFL, this is probably what
I oppose the most. The draft belongs on Saturday and Sunday, no one wants to do
a Draft Diary on a school night, trust me.
I come into the draft thinking that maybe, just maybe, the
Giants will draft an obvious need at linebacker. And Kiper’s Big Board is
giving me confidence. Just the thought of Jarvis Jones dropping to 19 makes me
jittery, but as a Giants fan, the first thing I have ever learned is to not get
too excited. And to trust Jerry Reese. No matter what.
Well, I don’t know how you spend Draft Night, but here’s
what happened at the Noglows household.
8:00 PM EST - Reporting from my father’s mid life crisis
creation of a bar known as the Sea Shanty, this is William Noglows. I am
accompanied by my buddy Carey Neff, and lifestyle expert Gunnar Wainwright. It
is currently 8 o’clock, and all I see is on the screen is 50 Cent rapping over
highlights of prospective draft picks, with a special cameo by Rookie legend
Russell Wilson. Interesting start to the draft, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the NFL.
8:01 - Chris Berman kicks off the night with some
foreshadowing of the drama Draft Night holds for us, with cameras focusing in
on Luke Joeckel, Eric Fisher, and Geno Smith. Mel Kiper and John Gruden join
Boomer on the panel. For some reason, Kiper and Gruden are sitting very close
together on the left, giving Boomer his space on the right.
8:02 - I immediately state that this is going to be the most
boring draft of all time, as all I’m thinking about is this 18 page packet I
have to do for history tomorrow. It is at this moment that I decide I will not
be attending school tomorrow.
8:04 - Commissioner Roger Goodell walks onto the stage. To
my disbelief, he is applauded. In the history of drafts, no commissioner has
been applauded upon entrance. In fact, commissioners have adapted to this,
learning to feed off the hate. NBA Commissioner David Stern has mastered this.
However, the cheers last an approximate quarter of a second, and then Goodell
is flooded with Boos. That’s more like it.
8:06 - The draft is underway and the lowly Chiefs are on the
clock. Remarkably, the Chiefs had 6 pro Bowlers last year, just as much as The
Super Bowl Champion Ravens. The camera rotates between Joeckel, Fisher, and
Geno Smith. New York Legends Phil Sims
and Joe Namath are announced to promote Super Bowl 49 in New York City. Radio
City Music Hall goes insane. I love the energy. I also love the fact that
Namath is completely hammered.
8:07 - Gunnar says Joeckel’s off colored suit makes him look
like he’s twelve years old. And that Joe Namath looks like a washed up Yoda. I’m
so glad he’s here.
8:08 - 2 minutes into the draft, John Gruden makes the first
contradictory statement: “The Chief’s have awesome tackles, and they need one”.
While this draft panel doesn’t have the same dynamic as the NBA Crew of Jay
Bilas, Chris Broussard, Rece Davis, and Jeff Van Gundy, the Gruden/Kiper/Boomer
combo should be an interesting mix. I was always a fan of the coach/GM aspect,
usually occupied by Bill Parcells, but I can live with this.
8:10 - Suspense and tension grows as the Chief’s still
haven’t announced their pick. I can’t remember the last time there wasn’t a
clear number one pick. I would absolutely love the suspense, but the two
prospective number one picks are both lineman, being Luke Joeckel of Texas
A&M and Eric Fisher of Central Michigan. I understand that teams in the NFL
live and dye by their offensive and defensive lines, but Joeckel and Fisher are
no Luck and RG3.
On a side note, Kiper’s hairline has seemed to divided
itself into two separate entities. Kiper’s hair on the right side of his head
lies about 4 inches higher than the hair on the left side. Just a small note,
but hey its draft night, everything is being observed, regardless if you are a
player or not.
8:15 - The Chief’s pick is in. A Jonah Hill look alike is
filmed walking up to the stage with the pick. He looks unphased that he is
currently on national television. A true draft day hero.
8:16 – With the first pick of the 2013 NFL Draft, the Kansas
City Chiefs select Eric Fisher, Tackle, Central Michigan. Kiper says Fisher
gives the Chief’s a tackle with “proven versatility”. Gruden loves the fact
that Fisher comes from a blue-collar Detroit family. Goodell looks pleasantly
relieved that the number one pick won’t be a disciplinary problem for him over
the next couple of years. Neff likes the pick. Jacksonville is on the clock.
8:17 – In my mind, I’m debating whether the Jaguars will
actually try to draft Tim Tebow in a desperate PR attempt. All signs are
leading to the Jags moving to LA or London. Kiper names almost every defensive
position as a weakness on the defense, then predicts Jags will pick Joeckel.
8:21 – I just finished my third Dr. Pepper in 21 minutes in
preparation for a long night. Gunnar opens up the Chex Mix, let the fun begin.
8:24 - The Jags select Luke Joeckel with the 2nd
pick. Gruden describes Joeckel as a puppy, and everyone in the room is
immediately thrown off. Neff questions the pick, stating that it doesn’t matter
if Blaine Gabbert is protected or not, he sucks regardless.
8:29 – The Raiders are on the clock. Kiper immediately
brings up past Raider first round picks. It is a depressing sight. Rolando
McClain is in jail. Jamarcus Russell showed up to camp weighing over 300
pounds, and they drafted Fabian Washington one pick before Aaron Rodgers. Somewhere
out in Southern California, Cal Mendoza (our technical producer who is a die hard Raiders fan) is shaking his head.
8:32 – In a shocking move, the Raiders actually trade back
in the first round, instead of drafting the fastest player in the draft. Surprisingly,
this is a smart move for both sides, as Miami moves up to the 3 spot. With a
young core, Miami believes now is the time to make moves. The Raiders get the
12 and 42 pick. Good trade all around.
8:34 – Dolphins select Dion Jordan, OLB from Oregon. Gruden
says, “When I see Dion Jordan play Mel, I just don’t see him play!” I’m still
confused. Mel likes Jordan’s athleticism, but questions his strength. Jordan’s
main highlight is one of himself making a tackle on the kickoff team. I’m
guessing the Dolphins know something we don’t.
8:37 – “It’s my first time”, Dion Jordan talking about being
drafted. Thanks for that, Dion.
8:40 – The Philadelphia Eagles are on the clock. Is this
where the first QB goes? My initial prediction is that they will take EJ Manuel
in the second round, but lets see how the Eagles can mess up this valuable
number four pick.
8:42 - Eagles take Lane Johnson, Tackle, Oklahoma.
Interestingly enough, Johnson used to be a quarterback, then gained some weight
and moved to guard, and eventually made his way to tackle. Boomer describes him
as “a very interesting player.” Perhaps Johnson will be the backbone of Chip
Kelly’s new spread system, possessing a triple position option of his own.
Gruden likes that Johnson is familiar with the no huddle offense. Valid point.
8:44 - Adam Schefter makes his first appearance. Like
always, he means business.
8:49 - Madden 25 Cover Athlete Barry Sanders walks out to
announce the Lion’s number 5 pick. For a guy who gave basically up NFL rushing
record, he seems elated to be on the madden cover. I wonder how the Madden
Curse will affect a retired athlete. Maybe cognitive issues begin at age 50
instead of 60. Having 4 concussions, I’m allowed to say that.
Detroit takes Ezekial Ansah. Gunnar immediately notices he
is wearing Real 3D glasses, which starts a firestorm on Twitter. Gunnar then contemplates
that Ansah believes he’s in his own 3D movie, the Ezekial Experience. Every
person has compared this guy to Jason Pierre-Paul. All I know is that I am too
excited for this interview.
8:52 - Kiper comments how the Lions lose Vanden Bosh this
year, who led the NFL in effort for 8 years. Only on draft day can personal
qualities be quantified.
8:53 – ‘Ziggy’ describes himself as the LeBron James of
Detroit. Lions fans across the world are anticipating him becoming the best DE
in the league, only to abandon the Lions in search of a Championship.
8:55 - Browns quickly select Barkevious Mingo at pick 6. Ansah
and Mingo are guaranteed picks for the All-Name 2013 team. On a more serious
note, off-season moves have made the good Browns defense look even more
promising, with Paul Krueger on one side, and Mingo on the other. I find myself
saying Barkevious over and over again.
I had a vision that Mingo would somehow slip to the Giants.
Dream like scenario number one has been quickly eliminated.
8:57 - Arizona is on the clock. Neff points at me and says Tavon
Austin. I hate Tavon Austin, only because he reminds me of Desean Jackson. Hated
by association.
9:00 - One hour into the draft there has only been 5 picks.
This draft is on pace for 5 hours. I’m not prepared to stay up all night.
9:01 - Why do all of these players awkwardly wear the NFL
Nike undershirt in their player profiles?
9:03 - “What pick do the Rams have? Tavon Austin would be a
much needed weapon for Bradford.”
9:04 - TRADE! Rams move up to 8 for the Bills pick. Tavon is
looking like the pick here. For the first time in NFL Draft history, I have
correctly predidcted a trade. Tonight is special.
9:07 - The Rams had only one loss in the NFC West last year
(5-1-1). The NFC West is slowly becoming completely relevant outside its top
team again.
9:11 - The Jets are on the clock. In this year’s draft, Jets
owner Woody Johnson wants his team to get younger by drafting young players. Is
that how the draft works Woody?
9:15 –Jets select Alabama CB Dee Milliner. For the rest of
his career, Milliner will be compared to Revis. Milliner’s worst nightmare has
come true.
9:17 – Instead of showing a highlight tape, ESPN shows a
chart of all of Milliner’s injuries in the past year. Are they trying to
torture Jets fans everywhere?
This Milliner pick and all the Revis talk brings me back to
2007 draft where I foolishly believed that Aaron Ross, who the Giants picked 2
spots after Revis, would be just as good as Revis. After what he described as a
“vacation” in Jacksonville, Ross is back with the G-Men. His impact will be no
different than how it was before. That’s one thing I’m positive about.
9:20 - Clutch commercial break, quick bathroom run.
9:24 - Chris Berman: “I don’t know a lot about football.”
I’m glad you’re covering the draft Boomer.
9:26 - Titans take Chance Warmack at 10, making 5 O-Lineman
selected in first 10 picks, marking the 2013 draft as the most boring draft in
recent memory.
9:28 - Iron Man 3 looks awesome.
9:31 - Chargers take OT DJ Fluker at pick 11. Three Alabama
players have been picked in a row. However, no offensive lineman can make
Philip Rivers look good anymore. He has lost it.
9:33 - Cut to 50 Cent. That’s three commercials in the past
13 minutes. Come on.
9:33 – NY Rangers are in Overtime, Lets go!
9:35 - Surprise appearance in the Sea Shanty by Chicago Bears
enthusiast and dear friend Dillon Stambaugh. This night gets better and better.
We immediately decide that we are signing out of Mrs. Blackwell’s history class
tomorrow.
9:36 - Raiders are on the clock. In a historic move, the Raiders slid back in
the draft, and it’s their time to capitalize. The crowd doesn’t know how to
react to this smart move by the raiders, its awkwardly silent.
The Raiders end up taking DJ Hayden, cornerback from Houston.
9:42 - Rangers win! Playoffs!
9:43 - Geno Smith has been on the screen for two minutes, and
there is no worse place for him to go to than the Jets, who are on the clock. The
consensus thought in the Sea Shanty: don’t take Smith. We don’t want to hear
about Jets QB drama everyday on Sports Center for another year.
9:46 - Jets take Sheldon Richardson, DT Missouri. Radio City
Music Hall erupts in Boo’s. Kiper, Gruden, and Boomer don’t understand any
aspect of the pick. It looks like the Jets are going with the Aldon Smith plan,
take an athletic Mizzou D Lineman. Reminder: this approach works about once in
every ten years. Also, Richardson is wearing two watches, one on each wrist.
That’s when you know you’ve made it.
9:49 - Carolina’s on the clock. Dillon fears his Bears will
take Te’o in 6 picks. As the Giants pick approaches, I share the same worry.
9:52 - Carolina take Star Lotulelei. Carolina’s defense is
looking much more promising, especially with Luke Kuechly in the middle.
However, I guarantee the Panthers will never win a playoff game with Cam as
their quarterback. (I understand I will probably have these words shoved back
at me in about 3 years)
9:52 - Dillon says Commissioner Goodell is a much more put
together version of John Gruden. I can’t argue with that.
9:54 - Every one in the room fantasizes about the day Isaac
Coates gets drafted. It could in fact possibly be the greatest moment in sports
history.
9:58 - No player has
mistakenly destroyed his draft stock like Jarvis Jones, one workout can really
mess things up. A 4.92 won’t get you very far on draft day. However, players
like Jarvis Jones are the absolute hardest for me to analyze. Was he a true
tackling machine, or was he just a product of a very successful team and
defensive system? I guess we will find out.
9:59 – At pick 15, the Saints select Safety Kenny Vaccaro. I
believe it is safe to say that Vaccaro and Goodell will have a testy
relationship over the next couple years. Goodell didn’t seem much of a fan of
Vaccaro’s graffiti tattoos.
10:02 - Adam Schefter believes first quarterback will be
taken here at pick 16.
10:04 - Bills take EJ Manuel, bringing some excitement to
this draft. Schefter proves to be a God among men in the NFL Insider world. Kiper
is besides himself. I text my buddy Conor who is a die hard Bills fan,
who was leaning toward Geno Smith with this pick, but was just too happy
knowing that Ryan Fitzpatrick wouldn’t be the Bills quarterback next year.
10:06 - Jarvis Jones is falling into the Giants lap, this is
too good to be true. Also, Sharrif Floyd is still available, could this be any
better?
10:09 - In his interview, EJ Manuel is not too surprised he
was the first quarterback taken. That makes one person who wasn’t surprised.
One thing that has surprised me is that no player has thanked God in his post-pick
interview. That has become a staple on draft day.
10:12 - Steelers take Jarvis Jones, and my dreams of a
fearsome Giants linebacking core are destroyed. Gruden outlines Jarvis Jones’ 3
bad S’s: size, speed, and stenosis. He’s forgetting a fourth S: Shattering
Will’s heart. Thanks Steelers.
10:14 - The Cowboys trade their 18th pick to
49ers. San Francisco selects LSU Safety Eric Reid, in an attempt to recreate
their suffocating secondary of the last two years, which took a hit due to free
agency.
10:15 - Ten thousand thoughts circulate in my head as Giants
are on the clock, all being how they will possibly ruin this opportunity to
snag Sharrif Floyd. ESPN shows a clip of Te’o, which puts me in an even worse
place mentally. Dillon is softly singing along to questionable 50 Cent in the
background. Its just one of those nights.
10:20 - Goodell walks out to the podium, my heart stops.
10:21 - In typical Giants fashion, they make the most boring
pick in the draft. They select Justin Pugh, an OL out of Syracuse. It is probably
a good pick, but his highlight tape doesn’t show it, full of holds, clips, and
late hits. Jerry
Reese on Pugh: "He was the highest guy on our board. You guys think I'm
joking when I say that, but he was the highest guy on our board." That’s
all I have to hear. Trust in Jerry.
10:23 – Dillon is excited for Bears pick, and their new head
coach. I ask, “Dillon, where did Lovie Smith end up?” “He didn’t go anywhere.”
“What…”
10:28 - Bears take Kyle Long, OG out of Oregon. Dillon likes
that he is the son of Howie Long, and that hopefully he can keep Cutler’s back
off the turf.
10:29 - Geno Smith is seen doing his best Brady Quinn/Aaron
Rodgers impression. He looks like a defeated man.
10:32 - On cue, ESPN flashes back to Brady Quinn and Aaron
Rodgers draft experience.
10:33 - Bruce Irvin tweets: Keep your head up Geno!!! The
twitter feed on the bottom of the screen is actually a great addition to the
show. Nice job ESPN.
10:34 - Bengals select Tyler Eifert at pick 21. The Eifert/Gresham
combo looks lethal, and this offense will be rolling on all cylinders. AJ Green
is a top 3 receiver in this league, and he is only getting better. The Bengals
will go as far as Andy Dalton takes them this year. Eifert will help out Dalton
a lot.
10:36 - Trade: Falcons move up to Rams pick at 22. Dillon
comments on how awesome Steven Jackson and Jacquizz Rodgers will be in the Falcons’
backfield. Dreads everywhere.
10:36 - Adam Schefter warns us to not move anywhere, as we
are now in Monte Te’o territory.
10:36 - I ATE THE BONES!! I ATE THE BONES!!!!!!!!!
10:37 - 10:36 proves to be the best minute in the draft.
10:38 - I knock over every bike in the garage trying to get
water for everyone. I come back with no water bottles, but two scraped knees.
The Falcons are still on the clock.
10:41 - Dreadlocked Desmond Trufant, cornerback out of
Washington, is taken by the Falcons. Dillon reveals that there is a dreadlock
requirement to play in the Falcons secondary. I was previously unaware.
10:42 - Gruden randomly cuts to clips of Tyrann Mathieu.
What could have been… what could still be…
10:46 - Vikings take Sharrif Floyd, as I stab myself in the
heart, still grieving that the Giants didn’t take him. Floyd is a great fit
here. In fact, he’s a great fit anywhere outside the NFC East.
10:47 - Geno is still in the Green Room, now a guaranteed Round
2 pick. He has lost all composure.
10:50 - NFL Draft segment of Te’o singing How You Like Me Now.
I like that the Giants didn’t pick you.
10:52 - Colts take Bjourn Warner, DE out of Florida State. Freeney
and Mathis are on their way out, so this was a smart pick. I’m expecting big
things from this team in years to come. They have the coach and quarterback to
do it.
10:53 - Vikings are back on the clock with the Seahawks pick
from the Harvin trade. So far they have the best value draft. They take Xavier
Rhodes, CB out of Florida St. Rhodes flashes gang signs in his player profile
animated picture. Intersting…. Awesome.
11:00 - Packers take Datone Jones at the 26th
pick. He has an unreal highlight tape, and caused havoc in the Pac 12 last
year. His name is also Datone Jones. Him and BJ Raji are going to hit it off, I
can already tell.
11:02- My little brother goes to sleep, I wont be asleep for
another 5 hours putting this thing together.
11:09- Houston takes DeAndre Hopkins aka Hotel Destroyer.
Hopkins put up unreal numbers for Clemson, and I think he will have a huge
season opposite of Andre Johnson. I really like this pick, as the Texans
focused most of their offseason on their secondary, with the addition of Ed
Reed.
11:15 - Broncos take DT Sylvester Williams. I was positive
this was going to be a running back instead, either Eddie Lacey or Monte Ball.
Interesting pick, though, especially with Dumerville not coming back due to a
faulty fax machine.
11:18 - In typical fashion, Patriots trade out of the first
round, as the Vikings move back into the first round. The Vikings want to win
now. I love it.
11:21 - Te’o is the best available. Does he go to Minnesota
at 29?
11:30 - Nope. The Vikings take Cordarrelle Patterson, WR
from Tennessee. So far they have had the best round, and Cordarrelle not only
adds talent at receiver, but also an awesome bee hive hairdo.
11:33 – I’m really tired.
11:35 - St Louis Rams take Alec Ogletree at pick 30. Great
value. He comes with baggage, but he is a tackling machine. The Rams are
filling huge needs with Austin and Ogletree.
11:37 – Why didn’t the Giants draft a linebacker?
11:45 – I hope you guys don’t mind me breezing by the last
two picks. The Cowboys took Wisconsin center Travis Frederick at 31, and the
Super Bowl Champion Ravens take FS Matt Elam out of Florida. I thought the
Ravens would go LB here, but they will address this later in the draft. Elam
serves as replacement to the now Texan FS Ed Reed.
11:50 – What a night. There was suspense from pick 1 all the
way through pick 32. The Sea Shanty is left in a state of disarray, with cans
of soda littered everywhere, 6 empty bags of chips, Neff sleep-talking to me
providing late night analysis, and Dillon playing Mario Baseball in the room
next door. I’m staring at the notes I took during the draft, knowing that I
have a good 6 hours ahead of me finalizing this Draft Diary. I hope you all
like this, because it’s a real bitch to write. Until next year.
(Cue Fox NFL Sunday Music)
-Will Noglows
Follow Will @WilliamNoglows
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