I can’t believe I first discovered this Rampage Jackson
interview just last week. I guess it’s my disregard for the world of
professional fighting, but this is pure gold. This interview is the prequel to
Rampage’s legendary motorboat
maneuver on another female reporter. In what starts as a normal ringside
interview, Rampage quickly redirects the focus of this conversation from his
flourishing acting career to his thrusting midsection, slowly beginning to hump
reporter Heather Nichols. And the best part, Nichols is absolutely loving it!
For an unbelievable 39 seconds straight, Rampage humps
Nichols, while coolly answering irrelevant follow up acting questions, stating
that the one actress he wants to get in the octagon with is none other than
Lucy Liu. Number 1 seeds must always be cool and calm in the heat of the moment,
and no one has displayed such disciplined tranquility better than Rampage.
Besides the 2002 Super Bowl, has Tom Brady ever been an
underdog? Let alone the last seed in any bracket in the last 10 years? Well,
Tom had this one coming. Before Super Bowl 42, Giants wide receiver Plaxico
Burress boldly, and I mean boldly,
predicted that the Giants would beat the Patriots 21-17. Tom Brady’s response
was the exact thought of every football fan, including myself: “We’re only
going to score 17 points… Is Plax playing defense?” Now picture those
rhetorical questions in the most arrogant and pompous tone ever spoken. Brady
concluded with a nice little shot at Plax and the Giants: “We let our play do
the talking.” If any other player said this, it would be completely
appropriate, but I will not let Brady be both the best quarterback on the field
and behind a microphone. Maybe I’m the arrogant douchebag, but Brady doesn’t
make it out of the first round in this one.
Winner: (1)
Rampage Jackson
When does the truth come out? When you speak out of pure
emotion, or pure intoxication? That’s the question that will decide this
matchup between two New York Jets. Behind young (then blossoming) quarterback
Mark Sanchez, the Jets defeated Goliath in the form of the New England Patriots
in the 2011 playoffs. Clearly, Bart Scott was excited about this victory. Never
before has the sports world seen so many unrelated phrases strung together to
form an unforgettable response. Scott immediately addresses his audience: “TO
ALL THE NON BELIEVERS” One word describes the rest of the interview: rage.
After calling out Tom Jackson and Keyshawn Johnson, Bart goes on a rampage,
claiming the Jet’s defense gets zero respect, and then pointing out the fact
that the Patriot’s defense “can’t stop a nose bleed.” Well Bart, there’s no way
in hell a nose bled would have stopped you from piecing together a very
entertaining one minute interview.
Hall of Famer Joe Namath is NFL royalty, and he knows it. Naturally, Broadway Joe had only one thing on his mind when being interviewed about Jets quarterback Chad Pennington: how will I take this reporter home tonight? You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and smooth Broadway Joe just went for it like he always has. Namath went with the charming approach, speaking highly of Pennington. After a draw play to Curtis Martin, Kolber asks Namath what it means to him to see the Jets struggling. Like a tiger, Namath pounces on this opportunity to make his move, responding with: “I want to kiss you. I could care less about the team struggling.” Kolber is left with nothing but a big smile ear to ear, proving that Broadway Joe still has game.
Winner: In a
close one, Bart Scott’s raw emotions just edges out Namath, despite Namath’s
pre-bracket guaranteed victory, making for an interesting matchup against
Rampage in the Elite 8. CANT WAIT.
In one of the only serious interviews in the bracket, Mike
Gundy epitomizes the true essence of a player’s coach. Gundy’s Red Bull fueled
explosion on the media comes in defense of backup quarterback Bobby Reid, who
the media speculated was benched because he lacked toughness. Gundy promptly
lashes out at the media, screaming that they are calling out a kid who has done
everything right, and that they should be coming after the coaches, since they
are the ones who pick which players play on the field. I for one believed that
Gundy was protecting his player, like all great coaches do. Then I read this.
Gundy still goes down as having one of the most legendary sports interviews in
history, but the background to his tirade taints its greatness.
On a lighter note, never has pure stupidity been more
apparent and made me laugh more than Gronk’s feeble attempt at speaking
Spanish. You have to respect Gronk for really embracing the Spanish culture of
ESPN Deportes, introducing himself in Spanish before addressing the question at
hand. Gronk seems to really be amusing himself with his Spanish, continuing to
speak the foreign language throughout the interview, regardless of the topic,
concluding with “Yo soy Fiesta”.
Winner: While
Mike Gundy’s interview has much more substance and importance, the combination
of Gronkowski’s simple jokes with his even simple mind make him the upset
winner in this 5-12 matchup.
The Battle of Coors Light. Football fans across the nation
have recognized Jim Mora and Herm Edwards as stars of the Coors Light interview
commercials. Only one coach will be the star today. The similarities between
these interviews are strikingly similar, with the most memorable line of both being
rhetorical questions. One-word rhetorical questions. It boils down to which
question was more effective. After bashing his offense for committing five turnovers,
a reporter asked Mora if he believes his team is ready for the playoffs. Mora’s
answer: “PLAYOFFS?” I can only imagine the reporter’s possible follow up
question, as Mora goes on to say his team won’t win another game.
If you ask me, I would think that Herm Edwards’ favorite
thing about sports is beating the Giants on a last second fumble to eliminate
the Giants from making the playoffs. Apparently I’m wrong. His favorite thing about
sports: “You play to win the game” Apparently not everyone heard him, what was
that again Herm? “HELLO? You play to win the game.” Ah, there’s the rhetorical
question. We are left with “Playoffs” vs. “Hello”.
Winner: (4) Jim
Mora moves on.
There are few people I hate more in sports media than Jim
Rome (you’re number one Skip Bayless). Apparently, Jim Everett hates Rome even
more. It’s important to know the background to this interview. In a game against
the 49ers, Everett, who was the quarterback of the Rams, had been hit so many
times that he began to fall to the ground whenever a 49ers defensive player
came close to him. Rome saw Everett as soft, and starting calling him Chris
Everett, linking Everett to female tennis player Chris Evert. When Everett and
Rome met for an interview, Rome wasted no time taking shots at Everett. Everett
wasn’t having it. He flipped the table and shoved Rome to the ground, where he
belongs.
While Mike Singletary may not have had the most success with
the 49ers, he instilled a team mindset that still drives the team today. In his
first few seasons, Vernon Davis did not buy into this mindset, and Singletary
called him out on it. In a speech that goes down in history, Singletary says
that he’d rather play with ten guys and get flagged every play than play with
eleven guys knowing one player doesn’t care about the team. It is here when
Singletary delivers my favorite line in interview history: “Cannot play with
him. Cannot win with him. Cannot coach with him. Can’t do it.”
Winner: (11)
Singletary in a landslide.
(3) Allen Iverson vs. (14) John Tortorella:
We’re in the first round of Bracketology, and we’re sitting
here talking about practice? That’s right A.I. Allen Iverson’s signature moment
came in the media room, when questions about his effort in practice arose.
Allen was dumbfounded, and we were left dumbfounded with “The Answer’s” answers.
At one point, Iverson asks how he can
make his teammates better by going to practice? Iverson says that as a leader,
he understands that he must lead by example. He fails to see how this
correlates to him going to practice, and leaves the audience of reporters in
laughter. It’s still unclear whether they are laughing with him, or at him. I’m
laughing at him.
John
Tortorella, famous for his postgame antics, starts off cool in this one.
However, when he was asked about Derek Stepan’s injury after a knee to knee hit, Tortorella transitions into a calm explosion (which only
Tortorella is capable of) on the entire Pittsburgh Penguins organization,
singling out the protection of Pittsburgh’s two stars Crosby and Malkin. Bold
but true, Tortorella addresses the double standard for the franchises’ precious
stars, and just wants the NHL to serve justice equally.
Winner: Iverson’s victory was
inevitable. The ‘Practice’ interview is the most famous and comical interview
in NBA history.
Denny Green displayed all the great qualities of a post game
interview. Throughout the interview, Green claims that the Bears “are who we
thought they were” a miraculous four times, only separated by a serious of
stutters. Denny, like the rest of the nation, knew that the 2006 Bears were a
bigger threat to score points when their defense was on the field, rather than
Rex Grossman leading their offense into the end zone. Denny Green and the
Cardinals ended up losing 24-23, with the Bears only scoring 3 offensive
points. In the end, we should be really thanking Devin Hester and the Bears
defense for this coaching rant
Craig Sager has faced the wrath of multiple athletes about
his taste in suits. Kevin Garnett is one of the athletes. Garnett takes his
historically bad mouth from the court to outside the dressing room, where he
devotes his entire interview to telling Sager how ugly his suit is. And Garnett
warned us about his comments to: “I need 10 to 15 seconds to say to you… You
take this outfit home, and you burn it.” For the following 50 seconds, Garnett
implores Sager to do nothing more than dispose of the clothes on his back,
almost begging him too. Garnett goes as far as recommending either gasoline or
kerosene to use to burn Sager’s clothes. Sager can only respond with “thanks
for the advice”.
Winner: “If
you’re gonna crown their ass, then crown em!!!!” Today, we crown you Denny.
Victory for (7) Denny Green.
(2) 50 Cent vs. (15) Terrell Owens
50 Cent is one of the last people I would ever consider as a
NASCAR enthusiast. So I can only imagine what Erin Andrews thoughts were when
she encountered Mr. Curtis Jackson in her pursuit to talk to Danica Patrick at
the Daytona 500. She was probably thinking the same thing everyone else in
America - Is that 50 Cent? What’s he doing here? Wait, how does he know Erin
Andrews? Did he just… did he just try to kiss her? Did he just get rejected? Well, a rejected kiss on the cheek would not
stop 50 Cent as he followed Erin around until the camera cut away from the
scene. Who would of thought that NASCAR would provide us with one of the truly bizarre
sports interviews of that week? Not me.
Terrell Owens rolled into the tournament as a pathetic 15
seed. A true egotistic team destroyer, Owens tries to show how much his team
and beloved quarterback mean to him. What ensued next was not only a disgrace
to him, but my only good memory of T.O. as a Giants fan. I can think of nothing
better than T.O. crying. Literally nothing. “You can point the finger at him…
He’s my teammate, He’s my quarterback.”
Maybe you should start pointing the finger at yourself T.O., because you
have just as many Super Bowl rings as I do.
Winner: I would
never let Terrell Owens win in anything, even if it involves him crying. (2) 50
Cent marches on to the second round.
The Bracket
Next Week...Round 2!
-Will Noglows
Follow Will @WilliamNoglows
Follow the Ice Bath Team @IceBathReport
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