Only hours before this past NFL Sunday began, my housemates
and I decided to invest in the NFL RedZone channel. If you are not familiar
with RedZone, it flashes to whatever NFL game has something exciting about to
go down. AKA, it is the greatest invention since the wheel. Anyway, I fully utilized the $9 a month that
is going towards RedZone by not moving from the couch for 10 hours straight and
getting nothing productive done whatsoever. Therefore, I figured it would be a
good idea to stop being a piece of shit columnist and share with you all what I
thought about every NFL game that just went down, since I watched them all.
Bears – 23, Rams – 6:
God the Rams suck. Jeff Fisher has given this team some
inspiration and a nasty attitude, but they just aren’t good at the sport of
football. The Bears’ offense got lucky that their defense completely shut down
the Rams’ offense. I’m still hating on this uber-hyped Jay Cutler and Brandon
Marshall reunion.
Bills – 24, Browns –
14:
You gotta feel for CJ Spiller. Things finally started to go
his way for the first two games of this season and then he goes and bangs up
his shoulder in this game. Still, the Bills played smart football and pulled
out a nice win. Although Brandon Weeden clearly isn’t the long-term answer at
quarterback for the Browns, they have to give him some receiver help. It’s
actually comical how bad the Browns’ receiving corps is. Greg Little couldn’t
catch a cold if he was ass-naked in Antarctica.
Cowboys - 16,
Buccaneers – 10:
Just one of those ugly games where both teams probably
deserved to lose. Tony Romo is lucky that he walked out of the stadium alive.
After one hit he took I could have sworn that he was down for the count. Sadly,
he got up.
Titans – 44, Lions –
41:
Probably the most random yet entertaining game of football
that I have seen in years. Honestly Sportscenter could do a Top 10 just using
plays from this game. The Titans scored on a throwback pass on a punt return.
They scored on a kick return. And a fumble return too. But still, the biggest
surprise for Tennessee was when Chris Johnson finally ran for a fucking first
down (I’m an angry Chris Johnson fantasy owner). Even though they lost, you
have to give the Lions some credit for not giving up even when they were
without Matt Stafford and down two touchdowns with 18 seconds left. The last
second Hail Mary to Titus Young Sr. (which by the way, only makes him look like
more of a dumbass for actually wearing Senior on his jersey) was absolutely
incredible. Personally, I would have gone for the two-point conversion and the
win after that play. You somehow got to that point, I say fuck it and go for
it. Instead, the Lions failed on a quarterback sneak on Fourth and 1 in
overtime and the game ended anticlimactically.
Jaguars – 22, Colts –
17:
Maurice Jones-Drew is a freak. Shows up days before the
season starts and is still shredding defenses. That Andrew Luck guy is going to
be pretty damn good. Some of the throws he makes just make your jaw drop. Aside
from those two observations, I’d really rather not talk about this game
anymore.
Jets – 23, Dolphins –
20:
Dammit. Not only did I want the Dolphins to win this one,
they should have won this one. They gave their kicker a chance to win it in
overtime and he choked. Not only that, they actually blocked the Jets’
game-winning field goal attempt but their coach iced the kicker right before it
happened. Which leads me to this: at what point will coaches realize that icing
the kicker NEVER ends well? Anyway, I’ve realized that watching the Jets play
is only bearable if you root for Tim Tebow to score a touchdown on every play.
Spoiler alert: he won’t do it. That’s all I got on this one. In the words of
Tebow, “Matthew 19:26.”
Vikings – 24, 49ers –
13:
Very cool upset. The 49ers couldn’t even last one week
holding the title of the NFL’s best team. Christian Ponder played his ass off,
the Vikings’ defense was great, and they completely deserved this win. I know
the 49ers will be fine, but don’t assume this win by the Vikings was a fluke. Even
in a very tough NFC North, I wouldn’t surprise me if they contended for the
rest of the season.
Chiefs – 27, Saints –
24:
If anyone wants proof that a head coach can make or break a
team, then look no further. This team just isn’t the same without Sean Payton.
Yes, the Saints can make a reasonable argument that they lost because of the
refs. But in the end, they let Jamaal Charles run for 233 yards and didn’t
score when they needed to. Also props to Matt Cassel for actually looking like
an NFL quarterback in the second half. Even though we’re only three weeks into
the season, a division title already looks out of hand for the Saints.
Bengals – 38,
Redskins – 31:
Another wacky game. The first play was an 80-yard touchdown
pass…by a wide receiver. I was deeply saddened to see one of the cooler streaks
in sports end when BenJarvus Green-Ellis fumbled for the first time EVER.
Still, the main thing that I took out of this game is that while Robert Griffin
III is electrifying and fun to watch, he still needs a lot of work. Also that
AJ Green is one of the five best receivers in the NFL.
Cardinals – 27,
Eagles – 6:
I really just don’t get it. How the hell does this Cardinals
team win? I know they play good defense and have Larry Fitzgerald, but that
shouldn’t be enough to be 3-0. However they are doing it, they’re finding ways
to win and look like a legit team. The Eagles on the other hand do not look so
legit. Mike Vick is in the early running for Least Valuable Player. It’s pretty
shocking how badly he’s playing. Even with the new defense, Nnamdi Asomugha
still looks out of his element. It’s looking like the Eagles were just a bad
fit for him.
Falcons – 27,
Chargers – 3:
These Dirty Birds are terrifying. They are firing on all
cylinders right now. The offense can’t be stopped, and the defense can’t be
scored on. Last time I checked, you’re probably going to do pretty well when
that happens. As for the Chargers, this is one they’d like to forget about.
After looking like he had moved on from last year in the first two games,
Philip Rivers reverted back to his mediocre play. As his fantasy owner, let’s
just hope it was an off day.
Texans – 31, Broncos
– 25:
If I had to pick the last team that I would want to play
against, I would pick the Texans. They are that good. There are no holes at any
position. If they stay healthy, then they are easily the AFC favorites. By the
way, I predicted a Falcons-Texans Super Bowl, and that’s looking pretty
realistic right now. As for the Broncos, Peyton played OK, and he appears to be
a good but not great quarterback now.
Raiders – 34,
Steelers – 31:
One of those games where whatever team had the ball last was
going to win. That turned out to be the Raiders. Carson Palmer and Darren
McFadden both played very well, and Sebastian “The Polish Cannon” Janikowski
kicked the game-winner. If you ever have any free time, read Janikowski’s
Wikipedia page. Talk about living the dream. Anyway, the Big Rapist
(Roethlisberger) played great, but this day belonged to the Raiders. On a
serious note, let’s hope that Darrius Heyward-Bey is in good health.
Ravens – 31, Patriots
– 30:
Dear NFL: just pay the fucking refs. It’s really just a
shame. On a night that should have 100% belonged to Torrey Smith’s incredible
performance, the majority of the postgame talk was about the horrible
officiating. Aside from the blind zebras, after two full years the Ravens
finally realized that if they run with Ray Rice a lot that they’ll probably
win. For the Pats, I just don’t get the decrease in Wes Welker’s role. I get
that the guy demanded more money in the offseason, but come on. Just because
Julian Edelman is white and undersized too doesn’t mean that he can do what
Welker can. I’m positive that if Welker started these past two games that the
Patriots would either be 2-1 or 3-0 instead of 1-2.
Well it’s almost 2 AM and I have a long week of school in
front of me. #bedtime
-PJ Moran
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